I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
