rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
