The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
