dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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