WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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