yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
pop tarts are not kleenex
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
