I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
