apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
