Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
