Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
