highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
