I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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