at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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