I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
