On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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