I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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