so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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