Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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