Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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