Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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