Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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