There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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