I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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