a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
