next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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