I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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