Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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