But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
