YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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