I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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