His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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