You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
