It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
