so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
