do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
