glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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