HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
