My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
