I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
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I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
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He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking