dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
