there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
only you would photoshop your dick
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
