Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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