coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
