apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Sober January is a disaster.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
