can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
