Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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