so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm both gender and math confused
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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