We're facebook friends in real life
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We have so much sex to catch up on
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
