I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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