woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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