bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Princesses don't give blow jobs
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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