see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
