my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
