she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
