Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize