I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
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Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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