Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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